The caged Bird won't sing.

01

I have fallen out of balance with my inner world and am beginning to see this imbalance in my every day life. My body is out of rhythm, it lays quiet, dormant, waiting for what feels like a storm. I miss the rhythm of the monthly tides, the ups and downs, the flow. The song my body sings when it is free to do so. The way I am when I am free. Being with child was the most freeing and must grounding experience. It's the must connected to my body I have ever felt. I was happy, calm, collected and self aware. Now, I feel I may have unintentionally caged myself. There is no rhythm, no music, not even any chaos, there is nothing. My body has grown quiet, laying in wait.  When do I free her?

A healthy push of boundaries

01

I am realizing lately just how important it is to push myself to be my best. Each day I find myself even more. I have come to find that I feel most fulfilled when I push myself in ways to help me grow. I have begun to push myself to do at least one act each day that is just for me. Each day I work on communicating more with the people I love. Each day I make a list, and at the end of the day I tell myself that even though things are left undone, I did my best and there is tomorrow for the rest. I really like the person I am finding as I push myself to live my life activity instead of passively

Unshed Tears

01 I found tears tonight for the first time since I cut my dreads off... It was while reading another woman's wonderful story of her journey with dreadlocks. I cried for the past I was letting go and at the same time for the future that is ahead of me. These tears of memories and tears of joy didn't fall though, they pooled in my eyes and in the end that is where they stayed. Her words also mirror so many of my own feelings that it takes my breath away.

Because of this I HAVE to share her story with you. She shaved her head completely, and looks amazing! Maybe by summer I will take that step

http://theorganicsister.com/shaving-my-head/

Introduction to Bluewater

01 Since I am pretty new at Bluewater still and I needed to play around and learn Prezi, I decided to create an introduction Prezi telling a bit about myself and my work. I have to say, I really enjoy working with Prezi, it is like Powerpoints crazy awesome older brother.

 

The End Of A 6 Year Journey

01 This last Sunday morning, I was joined by two of my best friends and my mom for cutting off my dreadlocks. Many have asked why and what it comes down to for me, was that it was just time. They didn't feel like mine anymore. I am so happy that I made this decision and feel so fresh and rejuvenated and ready to start another chapter in my life.  I am also happy that I cut them for me, and not for anyone else. Thank you everyone for your support and love in my life!

Things that are interesting with short hair after having dreads for 6 years (and 12 days)

Running my fingers through it.

washing it... and drying it ( it is so fast!) 

brushing my hair... it makes me scalp all tingly

sleeping.

taking a bubble bath... I need to get a bath pillow now!

being naked... I feel REALLY naked now!

The cold air and the wind outside
I HAVE SO MANY COWLICKS! 

And for those of you who wanted to be here with me, and couldn't, here are the pictures that Lauren took, as well as the time lapse video that I created while I was cutting them. It begins with me taking a final count before I cut them.

How many do you think I had?

Thank you so much Lauren for photographing this... something I wouldn't have been able to do without you! You did a fantastic job of capturing this moment in my life!


And at last, the video...

Year of Self

01

Love is the hardest of creatures to tame. 

You can dream about it, you can find it, you can believe in it with all your heart. 

Love, It is everything, yet it is so simple and so fragile. - Self

     I have a new journey ahead of me. A journey of self. Each year, it seems, end up with one overall theme that encompasses the happenings in my life. The year of pets, the year of change, the year of learning to love.  This coming year is a year of self. I think this time in my life will be about becoming the best version of myself. Learning to let go and live in the moment, instead of one foot in the past and one foot in the future. I am going to start fresh.

      I will be graduating in March, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me. It will be my first graduation ceremony. I am ecstatic.  I am also terrified. What does it mean to enter the real world. The world of paying back loans and beginning to form the life that I want to be living. This world I have been in feels like a limbo of sorts, not really living as an adult, but not living as a teen either. Being independent, but still at times feeling like you need to rely on someone. This next year, I hope to be able to completely rely upon myself. I don't mind asking for help if I need it, but I hope that it isn't needed.

    In this search of self, I am also determined to strengthen my friendships.  To spend as much time with people I love and care about, has become something very important to me.  By the end of next year I am hoping to rent a larger house, somewhere that my cats can run a bit more, and somewhere that I can have a room mate. As much as I love my house, I would like to not live alone. I think learning to share a space with someone is a intricate process, and compatibility of living styles is a must. 

Lets see where this life takes me.

one day at a time.

Letters

01 I have loved and lost more times than I care to think about
I have written more letters and left them unsent
than the ones I have had the heart to share.
I am so fearful of rejection.
of what the mind on the other end may think
no regrets on things shared
just wishing they weren't so one sided.
Better to have sent once, than to never have sent at all.

Another disappearing act.

01 Sorry to disappear again, my life has become too chaotic for it's own good. Work and school and life in general are all too much for me right now.

I have still been working 25 to 35 hours a week. So that means I have been working 5 days a week. My other two days, Monday and Wendesdays, have been taken up by school. This has led to zero time for me.

School has been less than successful this quarter. Photographic studio was going fine, i was producing good work. Then the midterm happened. I had no motivation and/or inspiration to complete/start it. Digital darkroom is going ok, I have missed a couple worksheets and in class assignments, but i am going to do better from here on out. Design layout is going pretty well, i have gotten everything turned in so far, though i have missed a couple class periods.

I have taken a couple of major steps to reduce the stress in my life. Step one was dropping down to 4 days a week at work. Step two is withdrawing from my Photo Studio class. Step three is to not miss any more class periods or assignments in my two remaining classes.

My final step in stress reduction and getting my life together is taking the summer off of school. I think it will be reallly good for me to get my house in order and then bring school back into the equation in the fall.

That is all. Thanks for reading.

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Taking the summer off.

01 I just emailed my academic director about taking summer quarter off of school. I have become very overwhelmed by everything lately. I have three major things I have been trying to be successful in. Work, School, and Living my life successfully. I don't feel like I am accomplishing any of those at the moment. I realize that I have just been sliding by on things. Just going through the motions of it all. I dont like admitting defeat, but I have finally realized that I can't do everything anymore.

that is all for now.

I Have found the Music

01 I still have a lot of things going on in my life that I need to figure out. I need to organize my thoughts and my actions in a way that will make my life easier and less full of stress. I have realized this because I now have something stable in my life and I realize that I can be happy and not be stressed.

I have found the music again.

On the note of finding the music I have purchased an iPod, something that I said I would never do. I decided to do this because I was finally excited about music again after so long.  I have been working on sorting and labeling music in iTunes which I have found to be therapeutic in a way.

My iPod should be here tomorrow.

Thank you Jake for helping me find the music again.

The White Queen

01

The White Queen

(c) Noelle Heinricy - WI11

Thank you Noelle, I love it!

Click HERE to see the rest of Noelle's Alice In Wonderland Series!

Learning Adulthood

01 In this year of change, and self discovery I have already come a long way.

My room, closet and bathroom have been clean for almost two months! It is huge progress for me to be keeping up on my laundry.

I have continually been doing dishes, and the amount left to do is slowly diminishing.

I have vacuumed a couple times and sweeping my kitchen has become a regular thing.

I am learning slowly how to be an adult. (about damn time)

Today I finally bought a new bottle of vitamins. With not eating meat, or gluten, I decided I finally really do need a bit of a supplement. A lot of my previous Iron intake came from my vegetarian friendly faux meat. Almost all faux meat has wheat in it. I got NatureMade brand Multi Vitamin for her. It has Iron and Calcium in it. It also has 300% of the vitamin C I need in a day and therefore will help boost my immune system. I have a 90 day supply of these. NatureMade was buy one get one free at Wallgreens, so I also got a bottle of Biotin, which is supposed to help with healthy skin, nails and hair. It should be interesting to see what sort of difference that that makes for me. The Biotin pills are liquid softgels and tiny and purple. I also have a 90 day supply of those.

Finally, today I made an appointment. For Tomorrow... Should be interesting. I will post all about it tomorrow night!

Me? Despicable?

01 One week down.

Tonight was a lot of fun. I have still been feeling sick, and work was super slow, but I was able to leave work a couple minutes early. The fun began after leaving work. I drove down to Eagan to see Tyler. This was done with the promise of watching Despicable Me. He warned me he had no food for me... but silly me I didn't stop and get any. I made it through the first half of the movie before I decided that I needed a break to run to the grocery store. He drove. We took my Jeep. Cub Foods, here we come. I got some yogurt, yogurt covered raisins and cookies. I also got some new gluten free noodles to try later, when I am at my house. We finished the movie when we came back. The movie was super super cute! It made me laugh and smile a lot. I suppose I should also mention the fun we had on out way back to his house. I told him of my dream of sledding in a parking lot, and how that was the reason my sled was in the back of my jeep... I convinced him. We pulled up beside one of the mounds of snow. Got out of the Jeep, Tyler doing so reluctantly... I started to climb the 'hill'... started is as far as I got. It was too steep and too soft to effectively climb. We gave up. Tyler, not being the type to give up easily, started heading towards another parking lot that he knows... I told him that a true sledding hill would do just as well. I had gotten my hopes up to go sledding. We stopped at this hill on the way back to his house. We left the jeep lights on, remember this is around 10pm. Slowly we made our way up the hill, that was still freshly covered in snow. Snow deeper than my boots. He ran. I walked. My lungs hurt when I got to the top. We caught our breath. We then both boarded the sled, I told him "we are only doing this once" and we pushed off. We started out slow... picked up a small amount of speed and ended up with my legs completely buried in the snow. It was worth it.

Now after watching the second episode of season two of Dollhouse, and doing some talking. He has left to go and plow for the next handful of hours. I am beyond exausted, so I am going to sleep at his place tonight. I am excited, because it means I get to sleep by my kitty Batter. He is a cuddle bug. I miss him a lot.

Goodnight all. Remember I have made it one week. Four and a half to go.

Dessa's words

01 "Go home to her while you still can." Listening to dessa this morning hits a lot of nails on the head. She makes me think in ways that come slightly unnaturally to me. "I changed the lock but your keys still working." "I still get chills when you talk to me." "One more chaper our book won't close." "We forgive and forget and give into attraction" "this broken habbit i keep glueing back together" all these lines, it is almost as if she knows exactly how to express what i am going through. Six months ago this song sat a lot different with me. It had an entirely different meaning. I think that is why I enjoy her music so much. It always looks different depending upon how you look at it. "It gets harder every time I see you" "it is time to put a line down in the dust, I know what frienship is and it doesnt feel like us" These next five weeks I am going to try really hard to focus on myself. To focus on getting my things done and finding what I want in life, what I want in a relationship.

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Words with Sam.

01

It hurts me to know he is still sleeping with her...

I cant decided if I liked assuming or if I like knowing better

I dont know if it is better that he is torn between us or if it would be better if he just picked her...

Is a relationship that starts as a friendship and ends up with the possible promise of a romantic future together even feasible?

I hate that I am torn between them, part of me wants to be able to just choose.

I cant decided if I liked it better assuming he knew or knowing that he knows.

It hurts me to know that it hurts him that I am still sleeping with someone else.

3 more selfs.

01

How The Photographer Sees Me:
Through The Eyes of A Lens.

How Others See Me:
As the Photographer, not the Photographed.
The Dreads.

How I see Myself. (or would like to see myself.)
Calm. Collected. Meditative.

An interesting thing that I noticed, my eyes are closed or hidden in all of my photos. Except the first of my ideas from last night. This says a lot about how I have been feeling lately. After this realization, I noticed my Facbook profile picture also has me portrayed with my eyes closed.

Self Portraits with Athame

01 These were taken about 20 minutes ago, and sweet sweet 3am is almost at my door.
They are for a class assignment due on Friday.
Self Portraits - "The one she makes use of to exhibit her art."
Which one do you like better and why?

Defeat

01 Today in critique for location I felt really defeated. I felt like I had nothing to say about my images because I wasn't happy with them. I felt like they were flat and dull and boring. I hate that when I am sad or upset or confused that my images tend to look the same way. It is like my handwriting, it betrays my emotions.

I really need to figure myself out and get myself back on track.

To invite or not to invite...that is the question...

edit... We will see how this invite pans out...

Hello Pudding

01 I am currently eating an entire box of pistachio pudding. It is amazing.

Tonight has been strange. I talked on the phone for over 3 hours, not something I have done in a long time. I had some things said to me that are definitely things to think on. They may or may not change how I feel about the situation. I am pretty set on how I feel, but depending how he feels things may become something different. I am here for the ride, and hopefully I will end up in a place that I am happy with.

Goal in life: Be happy with who I am, and what I am doing, and hopefully have someone to share how happy I am with.

Love Language

01

From: 5lovelanguages.com

Your Love Language Personal Profile

Your Scores

4	Words of Affirmation
7	Quality Time
4	Receiving Gifts
3	Acts of Service
12	Physical Touch

My Love Language

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

I think that this is very interesting and very true. For me, being close to someone and spending time together is the most important thing in a relationship. I know as far as friends go that sometimes I neglect the getting together aspect of the friendship, but I am working on that. I have hung out with an amazing variety of friends lately.

Sami, you are amazing! I am so glad we got to go make cyanotypes. Also, the drinking and movies were fun too! Go Mariokart!

Sydney, you and I are one of those unlikely friendships. I am really glad that we have bonded over our love of art and become friends! We still need to hang out and actually make art :)

Hannah, you have been one of my best friends for a very long time. Your words of reassurance and love mean the world to me. Thank you for always being there for me.

Megan & Meghan, I know I haven't seen either of you recently, and that we are not on the best terms, but I just want you both to know that I care.

Finally, Matt. We have had so much fun in our 3 crazy classes! Thanks for helping keep me sane. Shooting should be lots of fun tonight! I got a 7x7 tent to use and everything. Thanks Mom!



What is your main love language??
Follow the link at the top like a white rabbit and see where the rabbit hole takes you.