A 6 year journey

01

In 6 years... What I can tell from the pictures

My hair has grown

a lot

I know how to style my bangs

I added a couple tattoos

I have upgraded glasses

I wear less bracelets

and less rings

I wear more color

my environment is pastel instead of black.

more confidence.

In 6 years... What you can't tell from the picture

I have cut my bangs 10+ Times - mostly by myself

I added more than a couple tattoos... see about me page

I have dated 6 people in those 6 years

I own more jewelry now than I did then... less plastic, more metal

I had two pairs of glasses between these ones... I think

I have learned to live in the moment instead of the past or the future

I have learned to love unconditionally and to forgive (both myself and others)

I have made so many many supportive friends and kept most of the ones that I care about deeply

I have also lost a couple friendships that I treasured... maybe one day I will hear from them again.

In these 6 years I have learned to love, to forgive and to move past what is behind me.

Year of Self

01

Love is the hardest of creatures to tame. 

You can dream about it, you can find it, you can believe in it with all your heart. 

Love, It is everything, yet it is so simple and so fragile. - Self

     I have a new journey ahead of me. A journey of self. Each year, it seems, end up with one overall theme that encompasses the happenings in my life. The year of pets, the year of change, the year of learning to love.  This coming year is a year of self. I think this time in my life will be about becoming the best version of myself. Learning to let go and live in the moment, instead of one foot in the past and one foot in the future. I am going to start fresh.

      I will be graduating in March, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me. It will be my first graduation ceremony. I am ecstatic.  I am also terrified. What does it mean to enter the real world. The world of paying back loans and beginning to form the life that I want to be living. This world I have been in feels like a limbo of sorts, not really living as an adult, but not living as a teen either. Being independent, but still at times feeling like you need to rely on someone. This next year, I hope to be able to completely rely upon myself. I don't mind asking for help if I need it, but I hope that it isn't needed.

    In this search of self, I am also determined to strengthen my friendships.  To spend as much time with people I love and care about, has become something very important to me.  By the end of next year I am hoping to rent a larger house, somewhere that my cats can run a bit more, and somewhere that I can have a room mate. As much as I love my house, I would like to not live alone. I think learning to share a space with someone is a intricate process, and compatibility of living styles is a must. 

Lets see where this life takes me.

one day at a time.

Two Poems In The Same - August 2002 and Now

01 The debate tonight is how many changes can you make to one poem and still have it be the same poem? I have always felt that the only editing that was acceptable was grammer and punctuation, or rewrites that happen in the moment. Tonight I embrace the idea of completely rewriting, but using the original as the form for the new poem... Please leave your thoughts. Thanks.


-August 2002-
While the wind still blows
that one certain way
the way that gives me courage
the courage I need
to tell you how I feel
when were on the phone
the time never seems right
I am so confused
just thinking of a way
a way to straighten things out
makes me more confused
i hope the right moment is soon
because if not
the wind may take back
its old beaten path
and then we will have to wait
until it blows the way
that gives me courage
and makes me strong

-November 28th 2012-
The wind rushes by.
Tracing the ways of certainty,
down the road to courage
that I usually falter to find.
To share myself
when we speak,
if only the time were right.
I am so confused.
Lost in thoughts,
trying to find a way.
My nervs get the best of me.
There will come a time
before the wind stops howling
and courage fades away.

May we meet again

01

We are not through just yet

As our paths change

Once again separate

May we collide again

As our paths change

May we remain untouched

But altered all the same

Once again separate

May we find new ways

But leave our shared way unforgotten

May we collide again

On new paths this time

On paths that do not part again

Welcome Back...

01 So I know what you are thinking... "where has this girl been" I have been here, I just have been procrastinating writing in this lovely blog of mine. Well... tonight I have other things that I am procrastinating and it has opened up room in my head to allow me to write.

Life has been a crazy thing since the last time I wrote back in March. I feel like everything has had these subtle shifts happening. To a certain extent it seems like things are falling into place. Some of the things that were broken, are healing. Internally and externally.

I feel so free since I quit Proex in May. Yep, I got out. I am at a much happier place than I was while working there. My stress level has decreased which has allowed me to focus on myself and my schooling. I feel more successful.

I have taken on a could of nanny/sitter jobs. The first family I found has an amazing 6 month old girl named Vienna. She is adorable and learning to crawl. And the second family has a 2 and 3 year old, Kaila and Carson. Carson and I play pirates and Kaila likes to be a princess. These two jobs have left me feeling so fulfilled in what I do, I wish I had changed job paths years ago.

I interviewed for a third family yesterday. I can't wait to hear back from them.

Back to life being crazy, and falling into place. Back in February, Valentines day, I made a list. A list of what I need in a relationship. I made the list from the experience of all my past relationships. It was a turning point for me, of truly realizing what I was looking for in a partner. Well... I found him. Andy has been someone who I have called a friend for a very long time. After writing this list, the world found a way to bring us together. His band-mates in The Pine Box Preachers asked him to contact me about creating photos of them again. Getting back in touch with each other was the best thing that has happened. Well, let me rephrase that... it was the thing that led to all sorts of amazing things happening. We have healthy ups and downs, but in the end I am so incredibly happy. This is good.


That should probably be all for now. Time to get back to revising my grant application. Post on my grant application coming soon. Be excited!

oh and of course, a picture of my love :)

.

The things you say.

01

Words spoken in the silence of slumber.
Whispers like lullabys from lips to ear.
A warm breath on my neck,
or just a thought in a dream.
It lingers long after awakening,
Making the mind wander a thin line
between this world and the other.

Letters

01 I have loved and lost more times than I care to think about
I have written more letters and left them unsent
than the ones I have had the heart to share.
I am so fearful of rejection.
of what the mind on the other end may think
no regrets on things shared
just wishing they weren't so one sided.
Better to have sent once, than to never have sent at all.

Relationship - 1 card Tarot reading.

01 As always

Shuffle the deck
3 times.


Draw a single card:

Knight of Wands: Meanings I found.
This card is usually chosen for a light complexioned young man.
Discord
Jealous friend or love
delayed journeyperson is not yet fully invested in the relationshipsomeone who has been hurt in the past and as a result of this pain, does not trust love
always on the verge of moving on
stress and minor arguments in an existing relationship
Try to get to the bottom of what is really happening


My interpretation.
My past is still holding me back and not fully allowing my to find my way though the discord. I have a hard time coping with situations that remind me of previous situations and therefor jump to conclusions. I still fear that I will make the same mistakes I have made in the past. A fear of sharing my feelings for fear of not being listened to is holding me back... I need to overcome this.




Reading interpretation from multiple sources.
Mastering The Tarot - Book by Eden Gray
http://www.keen.com/CommunityServer/UserBlogPosts/crowfeather/Knight-of-Wands--Flaky-and-Non-committal/440986.aspx
http://www.psychic-revelation.com/reference/q_t/tarot/tarot_cards/wands_knight_reversed.html

Apologies to the Past

01 Yesterday was more emotionally taxing than I had ever expected it to become. I have lost a friend who means a lot me. He helped me to get through more rough times than he knows. It hurts to be lied to and then pushed away. A single lie, or evasion of the truth can make an entire situation completely different. On this note, I have some apologies to make, well to make again....  and a couple of thank yous to say to the people that even though they are not active in my life anymore, still have never fully disappeared.

We were not doing anything wrong by trying to be friends, at least not on my side. If you had a different agenda, then maybe it is best that this attempt at friendship failed. I am sorry that timing is always bad between us. I wish our friendship could have survived.

I am sorry that my behaviors left us not being able to even be friends. I never knew how to act around you after things ended. Our friendship was built and intertwined with our relationship and without one, I guess I was at a loss for how to go about the other. I am truly sorry that I lost you as a friend, if you ever want to try again I am here.

We should never have walked the path that we did, because in the end it destroyed us. If I could trade the memories of every moment we shared for a new friendship with you, I think I would do it. You are a person who helped me learn who I was and what I wanted from life, I thank you for that and just wish you were still around to see what I have made of myself. I think you would be proud of me.

I am sorry I wasn't able to be upfront with you about everything. I am sorry that you got hurt in the rush of everything else. I never wanted to break your heart, then again I suppose that is never the intent going into a relationship. Of these four apologies, I am glad that we are still friends. So thank you for still being around and for not hating me so much that we cant be friends.

What is Left? - Poem

01

What is Left?

Still entertaining the thoughts
of a time not so long ago
like re watching the past 

as it plays in slow motion
behind these closed eyes
visions betray me.

Entranced, enchanted, enthralled.

But I must let go.
I wont forget you.
For now I must let this fade.
Learn to pass the time with older memories
of a friendship that we once shared,
to see what is left amongst the ruins
of a tattered lovestory.

I Have found the Music

01 I still have a lot of things going on in my life that I need to figure out. I need to organize my thoughts and my actions in a way that will make my life easier and less full of stress. I have realized this because I now have something stable in my life and I realize that I can be happy and not be stressed.

I have found the music again.

On the note of finding the music I have purchased an iPod, something that I said I would never do. I decided to do this because I was finally excited about music again after so long.  I have been working on sorting and labeling music in iTunes which I have found to be therapeutic in a way.

My iPod should be here tomorrow.

Thank you Jake for helping me find the music again.

It's Official!

01 Jake came down for the weekend again. We had originally talked about meeting half way, but as in the past decided it made more sense with me having to work for him to just come down to my place. We spend a couple hours at the park after i got off of work on saturday, which made for a very nice evening. The sky was blue and there were pictures in the clouds. Sunday we had dinner with my mom, it was an amazing recipe for rosemary baked portobello mushrooms with roasted peppers and blue cheese. Last night after dinner when we got back to my house we were talking, i told him i was ready to make us official and of course he said yes :) we changed our facebook relationship status and everything! Haha. Only 9 days now until he moves back to the cities! I cant wait!

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Moving On

01 I may move on with time
but forgetting isn't part of the game
my eyes swell with tears
again and again
as the past reminds me
my heart still broken
covered in scars
words said still break me
again and again
in the end
this is best
that we say
goodbye.
<3

Who should I trust with my heart?

01 First 3 cards of the relationship celtic cross spread.

Tarot images © US Games Systems

Two of Wands

in the "Love & Me" Position

General Meaning | Meaning of Position

Main (positional) Meaning:
Assess your romantic prospects and current relationship situations with patience and self-restraint.

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Two of Wands in this position indicates a need to stop and get your bearings. Your path has seemed erratic and unclear, necessitating new choices every few steps. Make no moves that will produce permanent consequences until you have worked your way through this period of confusion or insecurity with your partner or love interest. The uncertainty will pass and you will see the bigger picture again. If you are patient and sincere, the right path will be revealed to you.

Tarot images © US Games Systems

Six of Coins

in the "Love Situation" Position

General Meaning | Meaning of Position

Main (positional) Meaning:
You and another are experiencing a gap in terms of personal investment or commitment. Without greater efforts to create more balance, this relationship will be one of dependency.

The card that lands in the Love Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your relationship at this time.

When the Six of Coins is in this position, there may be a significant gap between you and the person you are thinking of -- socially, financially or culturally. If there is such an imbalance, it is a predicament that can be frustrating because no amount of effort seems to make much difference. It seems that a level playing field is not in the cards.

Your best bet may be to simply accept the areas of inequality and let that be OK between you. There is no harm in the more-endowed carrying the heavier load, if they don't mind. Problems arise if one confuses capability with personal worth. Don't confuse current access to resources with personal value. That is a spiritual matter that does not accommodate such comparisons.

Tarot images © US Games Systems

Queen of Wands

in the "Love Challenges" Position

General Meaning | Meaning of Position

Main (positional) Meaning:
Communicating enthusiasm can produce effective teamwork in a relationship situation.

The card that lands in the Love Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

With the Queen of Wands in this position, you are challenged to see how a project or goal serves the greater good. Your role may be to communicate enthusiasm, energizing someone you care about to work up to his or her capacity -- all the while staying focused on the greater good.

Your managerial skills may keep the project on track. Everyone's self-esteem benefits when you can be a source of inspiration. You may enjoy a more fruitful harvest, and everyone will come away with a higher sense of themselves and their capacities. The relationship is also a winner.

Time to drive home now. The next post i make will have my interpretation of this three card spread...

Haikus to Lovers

01 My heart loved you first
In your arms I was at home
You have let me go.

The path was broken
We lost more than eachother
But I learned something.

Never letting go
Hurt you more than I can know
It made you doubt me.

One night in your bed
And finally I moved on
You opened my eyes

The way friendships change
Can make the sun look different
The sun always sets

But then it rises
And you kiss me good morning
We start a new chapter.

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Waiting for the message

01 I know that I havent blogged in a couple days, well a week to be more specific. It has been finals week at School, i ended the quarter with two A's a B+ and a C+. I feel like i should have been able to do better in photo language than a C+ but the first couple weeks of the quarter i was going through a lot. The first two assignments were based on loss, betrayal and reunion. Some emotions that i wasnt at a place to deal with. Next quarter will be better.

I am sitting now and having a long text based conversation. It is tedious waiting for a response. It is also a fairly heartfelt conversation so it is taking a lot emotionally to write.

That is all, back to waiting.

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Miss The Past...

01 Tonight is one of those nights where I find myself feeling sad about the past. Missing things that I do not have anymore, missing people who no longer talk to me, missing the way life used to be. I know that things are the way that they are and I can't go back and change them, and I dont know if I would even if I could... I wish there were things I could say to change the way things are now. I wish there were words strong enough to make apologies mean something.

I hate random sad streaks....

Genuine let down

01 First and foremost I was 100% genuine in sharing how I felt about you. Every word I told you, was the truth. I was me, no more and no less. I let you see my vulnerabilities. I never told you things, just because they were what I thought you wanted to hear, or because they would make you like me more or want me more. I didnt hide my sorrows, I let you in. I told you when I screwed up. I shared with you the fact that there was still someone else in my heart, even though it hurt to see how much that hurt you.

My question now, were you genuine with me?

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I woke up last night.

01 I woke up in the middle of the night and rolled over, i was prepared to wrap my arms around you.

You were not there and all of a sudden my bed felt more empty than I can comprehend.

I felt alone.

It was hard to fall back asleep without you by my side.

This says more than I am able to vocalize.

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Dessa's words

01 "Go home to her while you still can." Listening to dessa this morning hits a lot of nails on the head. She makes me think in ways that come slightly unnaturally to me. "I changed the lock but your keys still working." "I still get chills when you talk to me." "One more chaper our book won't close." "We forgive and forget and give into attraction" "this broken habbit i keep glueing back together" all these lines, it is almost as if she knows exactly how to express what i am going through. Six months ago this song sat a lot different with me. It had an entirely different meaning. I think that is why I enjoy her music so much. It always looks different depending upon how you look at it. "It gets harder every time I see you" "it is time to put a line down in the dust, I know what frienship is and it doesnt feel like us" These next five weeks I am going to try really hard to focus on myself. To focus on getting my things done and finding what I want in life, what I want in a relationship.

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